I’m unashamedly stealing a concept from Madame Butterfly’s. Her blog is about hearing and saying the “I love you” words. It is not necessary in her life, because it is a given in her relationships. I would guess that is a cultural perspective that she has learned from many years in Japan. So, I am taking the theme and putting it through my POV.
I say “I love you” often to my family. Perhaps it is because my day job has taught me the lesson that you cannot let things go until next time. I have heard the words, “I didn’t get a chance to tell him/her how much I love them.” I have watched too many people die suddenly. It’s all living in the moment, which is a theme I have explored before on my blog. But, in most relationships, excluding family, applying those words is a very touchy point. It can scare off many if said to soon in a relationship and it may have very different meanings from one person to the next.
As a writer, it is important to let the reader see the progression of a relationship between the hero and heroine. Most books don’t allow you weeks and months to grow into love. In life, it is the small moments of normal activities upon which we build our lives and which seem to become more because we let somebody in on the experience. Like the shared cup of coffee in the morning; dressing and undressing with someone else there watching or waiting; or discussing something of interest in the paper or on the news. It is the ordinary made extraordinary, that we tuck away into our memories as we fall in love in segments of shared experiences.
Capturing the essence of small moments in a book or story becomes tedious for the reader. I love romance books because they move along and take them with me. They are bigger than life and have extraordinary themes beyond my simple life. I live vicariously through the heroine when I read a book and I want her to be someone I can relate to, but not have my boring problems to deal with. Give me the Greek tycoon or ancient Vampire King and I’m a pretty happy gal. (Maybe I should write something geared to Harlequin.) The themes of a book are not as important as the words within. Quirky characters and hard core explicit sex are great if the story and plot make it plausible. It’s the difference between a XXX movie, that will get you cranked sexually, and a big production pride and prejudice that can feed the soul. I won’t remember the sex movie, but will never forget as Darcy crosses that field to stand before Elizabeth. I try to write about the experience of falling in to love, which includes it all…the sex and the large and small moments that get you there, but also the insecurites and frailty of love that can crumble so easily as it begins to coarse through our hearts and minds.
I am an insecure. It is my cultural upbringing, and my life lessons that have made me so. I need to hear in my relationships and from my lovers that I am indead loved and cherished. I want to know that I am a companion because I am more than convenient or comfortable. It is not necessary that those words be spoken often or with great passion. In fact I think a note or letter that says more than just I love you is perfect.
My baby brother, the youngest of six, died when he was twenty eight years old in a motorcycle accident. He was a good friend to me, as well as my brother. Although we were nine years apart, we hung out a lot when we were living in the same town for a while. Two years before he died he sent me a Christmas card with a hand written note attached. Spelling isn’t (wasn’t) his forte, that’s a family trait.
This card doesn’t really express how much I love you. You’ve been a friend when I needed one, a council, a devel’s advocate, etc. You’re fun, witty and sometimes too smart for your own good. But most of all, you’re a great sister. I hope this day is a happy one for you, I’m sure I’ll find out when you call.
Love ya,
Andy
I keep that card out on my desk in a plastic frame. It reminds me of what a loving and sweet man my brother was, but it reminds me that we are something different to everyone, and sometimes the sweetest things in life are being told what we mean to someone else. It’s more than the words I love you, it’s the reasons behind those words that are eloquent and soul shattering. That is what I want to hear from those who love me and from the books I read and write.
Rhianna
“As a writer, … It is the ordinary made extraordinary, that we tuck away into our memories as we fall in love in segments of shared experiences.”
See, I absolutely loved that whole paragraph that you wrote above. Yes, yes, these are the moments that I’d so love to read in a romance. I kind of get from your next paragraph that you’d would disagree with me that those things can be included in a book and not be tedious to the reader. I’m not quite sure though. It’s the books with those kinds of details, even if few in number, that turn me on the most. I think you managed to get in quite a few, non tedious to read, simple, everyday moments that showed more about what the characters were feeling and the close bonds between them, than from what they said.
Everyone wants and needs to know they are really loved and “cherished” and not just being kept around for convenience or just put up with. That’s across the board, in all cultures. I don’t believe it’s being insecure to want expression of that, it’s being human. I need it too. If I don’t feel the love in some form of expression, I’m gone in a heartbeat and I don’t look back. I don’t waste time. Life is too short.
The last paragraph is true and so poignantly and beautifully said.
Comment by MB (Leah) — April 15, 2008 @ 2:41 am
Leah,
It is human to want to know we are loved and cherished. I said insecure, because I am occassionally around people in love, who are so self assured in thier relationship, and give the appearence or even say they don’t need for those words to be said. I envy that certainty. And I want to slap them for making me feel inadequate or unworthy of that kind of love.
Then I talk myself down and dwell in my experiences of love and know that I have been blessed by love in many ways. That is why I will always write about love in one way or another, usually romance.
Rhianna
Rhianna
Comment by Administrator — April 15, 2008 @ 3:10 am
Yes people who “appear” to have it all does make one want to slap somebody. Including me!
“Appearance” might be the key word above, I believe though. My personal experience is that there are many couples that seem to be having the rosy relationship but if you dig a bit, it’s not what it seems.
Maybe those couples you know are really that self assured. Or maybe they are just pretending to the world and telling themselves that they don’t need those assurances because they aren’t really getting it and it hurts. Or maybe they just don’t need words from their partner to know that they are loved. I guarantee you though, that both partners are showing love in some way if they are feeling so certain and self assured.
In my case, I learned very early on that words are meaningless and often easily said to appease and I don’t believe them unless there is action to back them up. I don’t take for granted or feel assured that DH will love me or be with me forever or even that I will love him forever. In love, there are no certainties or guarantees and as soon as I accepted that and learned how to be emotionally secure in my own being without a partner, I found someone with whom I could possibly have some security with. How ironic, huh? When I could actually give a crap, it all happens.
I have a long trail of painful broken relationships as proof that this could all go poof someday though. And so does DH. So we make sure to let each other know how we feel regularly, even if not in saying “I love yous”. And if either one of us is feeling neglected, we both get very mouthy about it, el pronto. LOL
And by the way, I shared all of this with DH. Everything I wrote on my blog and what came up, and then I said, “so…um…I love you, and all that stuff.” He laughed, gave me a hug and said “I love you too… whatever.” LOL That only took like 8 ½ years.*snort*
Comment by MB (Leah) — April 15, 2008 @ 5:52 pm
Leah,
I love that you and your husband said I love you, even if it was done with irreverence, I bet it meant more that you are willing to admit.
Rhianna
Comment by Administrator — April 16, 2008 @ 12:14 am
Aww! What a touching post! So true as well!What a touching momento from your brother. No surprise that you treasure it. I would too. Every mushy note that I have gotten from a family member is kept in a large box because I cherish them. If ever something happened to one of them I would have that precious and tangiible reminder of their love as you do from your brother. Thanks for sharing Rhianna.
Comment by Cherie J — April 16, 2008 @ 1:40 pm
Hi Cherie,
Hold on to that box! I moved around so much in my youth that somewhere along the line I lost my first box of notes. I have new notes since then though.
It’s odd that when I start to write a blog, I seldom have any real sense of where it will lead me. It’s an idea or though that matures as I write. What’s you stand on how you want words of love to be expressed? Is it spoken, written or action?
Rhianna
Comment by Administrator — April 16, 2008 @ 1:54 pm